"Your rectum just goes right to your brain": a particularly eloquent DM

October 2020

My DMs are a hoot, truly. Reading them in the morning is like waking up to get smacked on the backside with a hot spatula: one feels invigorated, endangered, and challenged. Every once in awhile I get really kind and genuine notes from people thanking me for my "work"—as if anonymously ranting on Twitter qualifies as work in any meaningful sense—but a lot of the time it's just extremely angry MAGAheads or Stalinists or Chinese nationalists. Last night I received a masterpiece in angry hatemail from the latter category who was very upset that I do not think it would be okay if Taiwan were immediately integrated into the PRC by military force.

I used to freelance as a translator, which I sometimes kind of enjoyed, but it was mostly really boring academic work. This, on the other hand, is art. I figured I'd spend a bit of my Saturday morning rendering this into prose for my own enjoyment. I've highlighted some of my favorite insults, though this is really one of the cases where the translation does not do it justice.

请停止羞辱中国的一切言论,真是可怜的家伙,像个小丑一样通过侮辱中国国旗和歪曲事实来博取关注度,兄弟我说你真廉价,你现实生活中一定像个阴沟里的老鼠一样畏畏缩缩的,你要是不怕,尽管来吧。你在国外,我在中国,你觉得你发表不好的言论没人会把你怎么样,我猜你一定有个大号在推特上,别着急我来找找你,我想看看你长得什么样才能做出如此恶心的事情。3:46 AM (EST)

Please stop with your shaming of China. You are pathetic, a clown who chases followers by insulting the flag of China and distorting reality. I tell you, brother, you are worthless, like a trembling little rat in the dark sewers. Come at me if you dare. You're abroad, I'm in China, and you think no one will care if you write such bad things. My guess is you've definitely got a main account on Twitter—don't worry, I'll find you out. I want to see what kind of person you have to be to do such horrible things.

上你重拳出击,现实中你怂的一批。我说你这么讨厌中国,为什么还这么“关心”中国,兄弟我怀疑你的目的啊,名利或者关注度?3:49 AM

You might pull no punches online, but in real life you're just a coward. If you hate China so much, why do you "care" about it? I am suspicious of your motives, brother—fame or following? [My motive is attention, which is closely related]

bitch 3:50 AM


傻逼,还有台湾自古以来就是中国的领土,你算个什么东西,只会吃屎的玩意满嘴喷粪 3:51 AM

You stupid c-nt, Taiwan has always been China's territory, who the hell are you, you just eat shit and spout it right back out again.

既然看的懂汉语还他妈知道台北台湾,你是狗汉奸还是在中国留过学的洋鬼子???你妈妈知道你这么恶心,估计棺材板都压不住了,气得你爸爸天灵盖都掀起来说:“你这个狗玩意” 😂4:04 AM

You can understand Chinese and know about Taipei fucking Taiwan, so are you some hanjian [Han traitor] dog or a white devil who studied abroad in China? [answer: the latter] If your mother knew how evil you are, I bet her coffin wouldn’t even hold her down. Your dad would be so angry his skull would pop off and he'd say "you're a little bastard." 😂 [This sentence was a doozy to translate]

对你这样的人说话,不需要文明用语,脏话就很对你胃口,抱歉,我没有资格责骂您患有神经病。毕竟,我不是兽医。😄4:06 AM

There's no need for civilized language when talking to people like you, obscenities are just what you like. But sorry, it's not my place to criticize you for your mental illness. After all, I'm not a veterinarian. 😄 [That was a really clever one, I'll admit]

直肠直接连接到大脑的你,孩子,我不怪你傻逼 4:07 AM

Your rectum just goes right to your brain, kid, I can't blame you for being a dumb c-nt

I haven't responded. My Chinese will never be good enough to mount a similarly withering counterattack. My English, frankly, is not good enough, either.